34 weeks

I’m 34 weeks and counting today… YIKES?!!  Hah hah no it’s great.  All this anticipation is killing me!  Can’t wait to stop reminding myself to:

Not to sit with my legs crossed
Sleep on my left side
Drink more orange juice (as opposed to coke)
Stay away from the occasional glass of wine
Not feel bad for missing out on social occasions
Not feel bad when my career is going to be placed on hold for the next couple of years
Not feel bad when I feel like a dumb cow

Isn’t pregnancy (or should I say, having a child) great?  ALL that self sacrifice is supposed to be worth it – so they say.  To be  honest, I’m a mixed bag of thoughts.  On the one hand, it’s the next step in life so it makes sense.  It’s going to be wonderful, some people say.  On the other hand, it’s going to be SUCH a drastic and dramatic change in lifestyle that it will take some getting used to.  Especially the things women have had to sacrifice – their careers, financial security and those sorts of selfish material things you’re used to when you’re single, they say it’s all worth every penny.  So ‘they’ tell you.  They also make you feel bad when you want to return to work or chastise yourself for deciding to have kids.  Why do it when you obviously are not prepared to make the sacrifices?  In a patriarchal world, that reasoning sort of makes sense.  But in a society when joint parenting is increasingly popular and share of sacrifices and household chores means that both parents make equal sacrifices (some more some less), and even so, it is usually almost always (sometimes) the women who end up on the back foot (compared to their male counterparts) most of the time.  Though I happily stand corrected.

How is one going to climb up the career ladder if you have to remain jobless or the better option, part time, for 2-3 years?  If you choose to climb and climb mightily as you can, then you face.. what is put forward like a threat.. the option of parenting by nanny, grandparent or child care centre.. none of which, to be honest, sound desirable.  So the answer is probably one can’t have the cake and eat it at the same time, but men can?  

Aside from my cynical doubts about parenthood, I have to say it might turn out to be the best decision ever.  My self doubt and pessimism are certainly uncalled for.  This is a time for celebration, excitement and joy… loads and loads of joy for that one single bundle of joy I’ve been carrying for the last 8 months.  Again, so they say.  I say it’s all very confusing.  To be honest, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel which way they tell me to.  For most part, I’m rather concerned, sometimes happy, other times suffering from pangs of guilt for leaving my writing behind and enviously watching others climb out of their postgraduate status to become lecturers while I succumb to the pressures of motherhood.  I comfort myself with my ‘planned’ imaginary projects for the future when in reality, I doubt I will ever achieve anything anymore.  The thesis will probably be my last achievement and funnily, it doesn’t even feel like I’ve done much now that the top-of-the-mountain-feeling has long dissipated.  The glittery cloud of dust that has been suspended for so long has now gathered at the bottom of my feet which I can no longer see from the vantage point of my ballooning stomach.  Though, I can feel their powdery residues that remind me once upon a time the world felt like an oyster for which anything is possible.  Now, the walls are closing in but the flowers to their credit are still blooming and you’re really not sure which is more true, or are they the same delusion of the one very imaginative dreamer.